Courageous, Content, Love

“Courageous is the soul, Mitzi, who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity. For while they cannot lose, they can think they have, and the loss will seem intolerable.
And while they cannot fail, they can think they have, and the pain will seem unbearable. And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are – powerful, eternal, and loved – they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost. 

And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions: of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances. 

YOU, Mitzi, are divine –     The Universe”  (Mike Dooley’s TUT messages from the Universe) 

You see lately my life has taken a HUGE shift, the kind that if I wasn’t aware, I could easily be sucked into a vortex of feeling like a great BIG failure. It came all at once, first pertaining to my career and simultaneously pertaining to my intimate life. 

I had been smoothly sailing along through recent events and then it hit me while I was in a cardio kickboxing class, standing in front of the huge fitness room mirrors. 

Now those of you that know me know that I made peace with my mirror image some time ago and now I assist other women to do the same, to see themselves through the eyes of love. It is the most amazing journey.

In fact, something you may NOT have known is that one reason I post so many selfies is for the same reason someone with a fear of elevators rides them to thirty second floors of tall buildings and then back down several times a week, in order to learn to live with that fear, experience the fact that it won’t actually kill them and eventually perhaps find freedom from the fear. This is the case with me and looking at my image. (Incidentally maybe after reading this you’ll think twice before you might judge people who take lots of selfies. 😉 

The intimacy experience is what brought back the disdain. Many events had lit the embers but this one sprayed the fuel and laid the final black magic on my image. At first I thought is was my new workout shirt. I blamed it. The sleeves were too short, the neckline too low. I blamed my spandex for getting too old and loosing it’s support powers. On top of it I was also having a slight stomach issue and tried to blame it. Truth was, on this day all I could see was my under-arm skin flapping around like the American Flag, the tiredness in my face in the form of wrinkles, the gap of grey where my hair line gave away my upcoming coloring appointment. 

I waited for it, the high I get from fitness. I waited to feel strong, awesome, exuberant. I waited for the adrenaline to kick in to boost me to higher cardio heights. Only on this day….. IT never came.

Oh, I finished the class of course. I sweat like crazy and I rocked the ab part in the end but every step was an effort on this day, the day I was sucked back into the vortex of, “I have failed, I am not enough.” I felt so shitty that I knew I would investigate it and I took this picture as soon as I got home. 

Same me. Same me as always. Now it was time to really get sweet to myself, do some simple nurturing to my body, get quiet and ask myself what was really going on. 
It didn’t take long for it to come to me and when it did it illuminated some very deeply written subconscious beliefs about who I take myself to me in relationships, especially concerning intimacy and what I think I’m worth (or NOT worth as the case may be)And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions: of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances.” 
As I heard myself speak these old written beliefs I could hear how outdated and untrue they were. I knew of my vulnerability in this area and had made a decision to modify my behavior for protection. But I didn’t and I didn’t because this belief was still written so deep that my subconscious mind that steers our decision making, was reinforcing this old belief. in the moment I did not recognize this, of course, because this is the subconscious mind. I thought I was good to go. Thing is, what I couldn’t control or bank on was the outcome of the parts I didn’t have say over. Because we never do, do we? We are only ever able to have control over ourselves. 
As this truth became clear I began again to see myself from my newly constructed Truth and perspective. I began to see the women whom I love in the mirror, whose body had given birth to two gorgeous children. Whose belly had expanded for over 8 pound healthy baby girls on top of 40 and 50 pounds of excess stored fat beneath my skins surface. But I carried them and loved every breathtaking minute of it and delivered them like a champ even when one presented occiput posterior. I saw the breasts that had fed those babies for a total of nearly 5 years between the two of them. I saw the wrinkles that gave testimony for the billions of hours of smiling I have experienced and will continue to experience for I do so love all of you and I do so love life. I saw the mouth that had expressed love to clients who had been years since anyone had told them how special they are and could point out to them their courage, their fortitude and their brilliance.

Then I saw it all again as the Truth is for me today. I will make choices to honor that truth, in both my career and in my relationships and I will continue to hold a space for other women who are ready to see through those same glasses of love and to connect to the very essence we call God by way of their crapey belly skin, their flagellating thigh fat and their gray hair growth line.

Let this be the year you fall in love with yourself and with all that you TRULY are! Have the happiest of happy New Year!!      

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