A quick recap so you can keep up.
Transformation truth. Last week I discovered my pants were really tight. It wasn’t all my pants but it doesn’t matter. I suspected the day was coming when I would feel like I was busting out of something. My clothes, my mirror image told me. I mentioned in my last blog the events that led up to this and I shared that my reaction included a faint resemblance to the past. Discouraged, I hated it and for a little while, less than a couple of hours, I thought, “This really sucks.”
What happened next, so far, is very different than before!
I’m sure many of you can relate to what would have once happened next for me. I would have hated myself for this. Not the fact that it sucked and I hate the way my body feels and yes, looks, but I would have hated me. I would have jumped into desperation mode and joined some diet group or program and went running for the control I feel from dragging out the scale or the pretty colored boxes or the points system. Let me be completely truthful here. I DID check out Weight Watchers .com. I also Googled things like, “Best ways to lose weight without obsessing.” I found and perused SparkPeople, Dr. Oz loose weight something blah, blah, blah. There were a few more too but the whole time I felt such an inner peace that it’s hard to explain. It was like this very still small voice was saying, “You know ALL of this stuff, Mitzi. Look deeper. Open yourself to receive and adjust. You’ve got this.”
Do I know how I’ve got this? No, but I know that I do and it feels okay. I feel okay. I have not once hated myself, felt defeated or like a failure.
The important stuff.
Within a couple of days, I went and got myself a couple of new pairs of jeans. Always love yourself comfortable. Beware of punishing yourself by torturing your comfort in clothes that are too tight. The cool thing about sizes being inconsistent in women’s clothing is that I didn’t actually have to buy a bigger size in order to find something comfortable. (Snickering at my connection to cultural training)
I spent time meditating. Clearing the head allows for guidance to come from within. It happens for me every time. Then, I do what I always do, I asked for help. I simply say, “Show me” because if there is one thing I have learned through these years of transformation it’s that there is a gift of healing or growth in every single challenge I experience.
Here’s what happened next.
A truth presented itself, one that I kept hidden before now. It’s not like I was lying to myself. I just wasn’t seeing it. My healing path up to now could not see it. It wasn’t time.
The truth is that I eat what I want when I want. Yes, it’s true that I do not compulsively eat anymore. I don’t. It’s gone. The healing is done. It’s also true that I rarely emotionally eat. I eat when I’m hungry and I stop when I’m no longer hungry for the most part. There are still occasions where I am not engaged with my body and I will eat beyond no longer hungry into slightly stuffed but not often. So you see, I have experienced a great deal of healing. It was so important for me to allow myself the freedom to chose what I want when I wanted it. This meant that if I felt like having a hot fudge Sundae today I would and if tomorrow I wanted a slice of pie, or wanted to snack on the couch with my girl, I would. If I wanted to snack on a bunch of peanuts the next day I would. I needed to live this freedom so I did not “see” that my intake was excessive.
I wasn’t ready to see it.
This is my truth. I did not see it as an issue. It was not an issue. I needed to feel and experience this freedom. A better way to say it is that I needed to be free of obsessive thought. Spending so many years 0bssesing, I needed to feel the freedom and in doing so, It freed me even more. When I am taking 3 or 4 mid to high-intensity fitness classes a week plus teaching a whole bunch of low to mid classes, my body pretty much stayed the same which included not changing the 30 – 40 pounds of extra weight I carried. But when that 30 – 40 (it varies) increased it was an invitation to heal deeper, grow more. We don’t see what’s there until we can not grow further without seeing.
Quite frankly this place of vulnerability is no cake walk to share. I’m not embarrassed. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear you judging me. I do fear the same thing everyone fears when we are being vulnerable. That you will take my heart and somehow crush it in your hands. That now that I have shared my heart you will somehow make my pain smaller than it is for me. But, I release the fear and breathe through its presence. The truth is that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you do or not. I am the source of my love, my honor, and my support. So you can do what you want to with my heart laid out for all to see and my prayer is that some beautiful woman will get to know me and see the beautiful life I’ve created right in the midst of these shit storms and believe that she can do that too. Because you can.
A pattern noticed for next week. What does it mean?
I’ve reached that point. The point in writing a blog where you know this one is complete and the rest will be told another day. Next week I’ll share a pattern I discovered through “Tight Pants” and what I’m going to do with the discovery. I honestly don’t know yet. Maybe by next week, I will.