When sitting in pain reveals you’ve been “using” all along.

2015SunsetThe Journey of Tight Pants Gets Interesting

The subtleties of using certain drugs of choice.

It’s not what I thought and even harder to speak out loud and damn it! It’s not what I wanted it to be! Aren’t I supposed to be beyond this nonsense?

My tight pants invited me to become accurately mindful of my body relationship to eating again because I discovered how much I was eating. Yes, it was what I had to do (subject of my last blog) and yes the essential gift of eating what I want when I wanted, led to a great deal of self-love, body acceptance and ended a 20+ year obsession with my weight, looks, and food that was insane and destructive.

Then this.

Sitting in this space without this eating what I want when I want it, I’m feeling stuff I don’t want to feel and it sucks. By default, this means I still comfort eat and it is on such a subtle level I did not know. I only discovered it when it was missing and missing for several weeks in a row. This is the thing with drugs like eating, drama, friends with benefits, dieting, chronically needed to be fixed, chronically fixing others, control, criticising, debating, they are all a means of distracting from what we hold inside, what we really do not want to feel. We don’t think we can survive it so our survival brain kicks in. Our survival brain screams we are not strong enough. We fear it will destroy us some how or that we can’t trust ourselves with whatever feeling, or pain we are sitting with.

Things are tough for me right now in a few areas of life. Bumps in the road and the truth that is that no matter how much I believe in my intellect that I will be fine, that everything is as is and I am where I am supposed to be, the Truth is that I am more frightened than I want to be and on some level I don’t think I can handle being this frightened or I don’t think I can trust myself with this amount of fear.

Whew! Just saying it is pretty huge right this moment.

It took a few weeks for it to come up. At first the adjustments in food was really easy. Really easy. This is a reflection of how far I’ve come. Then I started to want to do some other things besides eat that I know don’t really serve my best interest. When we do this type of “fishing for a fix” the survival part of our brain, where our ego lives, gets so smooth at reasoning why these “things” are okay. I mean really smooth and we have people in our lives that will accomdate. Sounds like drug addiction doesn’t it? It kind of, sort of is, on an extremely diluted level. This is why it can become so sublte we don’t see it. I didn’t see it.

I wanted more.

In terms of me and food, I always wanted, still want to just eat. Just eat like the hundreds of people I know who treat food like food. I have come a long way and food is more like food than it has ever been. But the freedom of my soul wants to be fully manifested and I also ask every day to fully be who I am, to bring what I am here to bring to those I am here to bring it to.

Part of me wants to say, screw it and I come close to it. Sitting with your shiz sucks. It just does. You lose motivation, desire, sometimes you watch too much television and don’t really get out of your sweats. But that’s just the way it is.

This has never been about the food.

It has never been about my weight either. Sure, we eventually betray our bodies enough that we suffer physically. Sometimes we don’t start the process of “waking up” until then. Sometimes we go round and around trying to fix the physical issues never addressing the gorgeous thing that wants to be revealed, the freedom that awaits.

So am I supposed to be over this by now? Growth is a continual process. I am open to however growing wants to happen. This is the place where Trust comes in.

I’m staying in the arena and I’m feeling such gratitude for what I am learning about me.


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